I wonder how many people have committed suicide not because they're miserable but to see what happens

H

e

Life feels exciting and good, and that feels fucking surreal.

I have a right to feel this way. I have a right to feel happy sometimes.

I am everybody's fucked-up little brother.

It's difficult to just decide to stop loving somebody. Well, deciding is very easy. Doing it is another thing.

I saw two people having sex in a park today. (Welcome to Finland.) I stopped and stared at them to figure out whether it was a rape. I don't know what I would have done if it had been a rape, but you must do something. I wonder if sex feels as stupid and ugly as it looks.

People are so good and beautiful sometimes

that I could cry.

I am happy. It's 5:10 AM and I am happy.

You MUST watch this

Age scares me

I had no idea I was strong.

I can write this.

This very thing was the hottest thing I knew when I was 14.



Yes, it was. I was that kind of a 14-year-old. Now I have to go to bed.

It's interesting how I keep telling other people how their weaknesses and oddities are the things that make them fascinating, and at the same time I can't tolerate my weaknesses and oddities at all. I just hate them, I want them to go away, and that's it.

But that's an essential part of the magic. If you don't feel haunted and tormented by you weaknesses and oddities, they are not really weaknesses and oddities, they are nothing. You're weak and you're odd, and you hate it, and that is the very thing that makes you humanly interesting.

People who actually see other people's weaknesses and oddities as minuses are uninteresting people. And I have no desire to be around uninteresting people.

...

I have a very annoying face. I can't help it. I'm not sorry, being sorry would be weird.

...

Life is beautiful in an excruciatingly painful kind of way. This may end badly, but why should I worry about the end when I'm just beginning.

Lolli is dead

Laura Marling is too good to exist. And she exists!

It seems that

Life is when you find things that you don't like and things that you like, people that you don't like and people that you like, and some of it stays and some of it goes away

They all go away

And here we are.

Hehe

I am a poor freezingly cold soul
So far from where I intended to go
Scavenging through life's very constant lows
So far from where I'm determined to go

Wish I knew the way to reach the one I love
There is no way
Wish I had the charm to attract the one I love
But you see, I've got no charm

Tonight I've consumed much more than I can hold
Oh, this is very clear to you
And you can tell I have never really loved
You can tell, by the way, I sleep all day

And all of my life no one gave me anything
No one has ever given me anything
My love is as sharp as a needle in your eye
You must be such a fool to pass me by

My angst is partially a joke. Just like Morrissey. I don't care if nobody finds it funny.

I didn't really expect to find anything like any of this, and here it is.

I have a loneliness that I will try to get rid of. But it's not easy.

And no, you don't know how it feels.

I just want to see all of you happy.

What I've been doing

Oh God how I wish someone loved me. No I don't. It would be confusing. Oh yes I do.

More commentary on random things

I've realized that the most noble ability you can have is the ability to disagree. It's a good thing to realize when you're 19.

Suddenly I felt happy for the happiness of a person I hate. And I'm not even sure if I'm happy myself. Maybe I will be a good person someday.

The thing that makes Conchita Wurst cool is that you expect to see a joke. The name and the whole thing ('a woman with a beard') makes you expect to see a humorous drag queen show, but then you see her and you realize that she's completely serious. There's something Martin Luther King like about her. It's great.

Anyway. Bus Stop (1956) is probably the most horrible movie I've ever seen. It's absolutely horrible. Everything about it is wrong. It's not only bad, it's sickening. If Satan himself made a movie, this would be it. It makes The Room look good.

I must say that the character that Marilyn Monroe plays in these movies is just something idiotic and sad. She was an intelligent person. For some reason she had to act like this. The character she always plays clearly has serious neurological problems. I mean look at her.

Also.

I almost never watch TV series, but for some reason I started watching Klondike when they started airing it every Thursday. It was just a miniseries. And it was possibly the best thing I've ever seen. I almost couldn't breathe. It was nearly perfect. Every character, everything everybody said, everything that happened, PERFECT. Characters are the thing that make stories work, and all of these characters worked. I mean, I very rarely like stuff! I usually hate everything I see/read, so this means something!

It was a miniseries so I lost this new exciting piece of my existence much earlier that I was prepared to. Now it's gone, and it's very painful. More than anything else, I fell in love with a character named Belinda Mulrooney, who was based on a real person and played by this person. I was on a train when I read the 'personal life' part of the Wikipedia article, and I almost cried. ("Having grown up with animals she became vegetarian at the age of 13. In 2006 she became an ambassador for Australian animal rights group Voiceless, the animal protection institute and has since been an outspoken advocate for animal protection..." Well, you get it.)

Oh my god. (Do I have a god?) This has happened before. A Strong Yet Secretly Vulnerable 19th Century Woman is something that works for me. If strong yet secretly vulnerable 19th century women are reading this, please contact me. I want to sit down and talk.

Anyway. Anyway. The sad question is: who wrote this? Who wrote this series? Who's behind all the genius? I have no idea. Nobody has any idea. Nobody cares. I could google it, but the name(s) would mean nothing to me and I'd forget them in 5 minutes.

This was probably written by a bunch of people who'll never be known for what they did. Nobody cares. It's just sad. I'd rather become a vampire than let that happen. (Become a vampire?)

I want people to know that the words I write were written by me. They are mine, and I'm writing them to you.

I hadn't known that Robin Williams meant something to me, but when I heard that he had killed himself, I almost passed out.

The adventures of Lolli Brander go on. They won't go on forever.

I'm peacefully melancholy like people are before suicide, and I'm not going to commit suicide.

Hurricane Gilbert

I spent a week being an idiotic hurricane that was trying to destroy me and everybody around me. Luckily these people around me are good, and they stopped me from destroying anyone or anything.

I've never been crazy like that. This was my first time, and it was valuable, because I learned a lot from it. The reasons for my Insanity are complicated, but the main reason is that I'm not alone anymore.

I've always understood why Justin Bieber went nuts. He's the most famous person on the planet. Of course he's miserable.

The Internet is huge, and I have a small corner of it and this is it.

Fuck you

I've realized that I hate Frasier's dad. He's the character I hate the most. The thing that makes him so unbearable is that it's obvious that he's supposed to be A Really Sympathetic Guy That Everybody Likes And Can Relate To. Which makes me not like him, because really, he's just as annoying and overacting as the rest of the gang.

Wherever I go, I end up discussing Frasier. Good. I'm not sure if I'd even want to discuss things that matter.

Unfortunately I don't feel like making sense now

I've been making sense for such a long time. I want to try making other things for a while.

What on Earth do you think you're doing?

Shut up now. Stop. Shut up. Now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. So many exclamation marks.

Being in love is a surprisingly huge feeling.

The nicest bad boy who ever lived

It's funny how ridiculously smug and conceited I was for such a long time, always talking about how "good" I was. And now all I want to tell everybody is how deeply I suck. (Sucking is no problem for me. Face it, admit it, do something about the things that hurt others and learn to love the things that you can't get rid of.)

Eddie

I'm almost certain that Frasier Crane is Satan. I can see that when he laughs.

I don't really know why I keep watching this show almost daily. But do people ever understand why they're so attracted to Satan?

Remember that you live in 1914

Maybe there are people who are capable of living and sleeping. I'm not one of them.

I meet people and things happen all the time. I fall in love and people fall in love. I simply can't sleep. I can't even sit down and breathe. I have to walk in circles. I have no idea what's going on.

I had a dream where I was spending time in an old house. The person I was with said that being gay is unnatural, and I just calmly stormed out. I keep having dreams about people saying silly things, and me storming out. What? Where is this coming from?

If there's one thing that I really, really, really hate in the world, it's small fish tanks. I want to see the day when those go away and stop existing. How can some people be so incredibly stupid?

But I must focus on living right now. It's necessary. I must. This is a strange dream that might end tomorrow. It's okay. If this lasts, okay. If it doesn't, okay. I just have to experience this. As a person and as a writer, I have to experience this.

There's something demonic about me right now. But I'm not losing myself. Seriously, I have the right to do things. I have the right to focus on life. I have the right not to be sad all the time. I have the right not to think about the existence of inhumane fish tanks all the time.

Bear with me. I'm not an asshole.

I do love bears.